NescafeMornings's Xanga

Mmmm, I have a good feeling about November.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:43:23 GMT

I'm pretty sure November 2008 marked the beginning of the Chinese calendar's Year of the Mother Fucker. Because it was. Definitely one of the hardest years that I can remember. So much bullshit, SO MUCH. I found myself constantly looking side to side, shaking my fists towards the heavens, in a "Are you fucking joking me?!" manner. A whole year of it. But it didn't come without some personal growth, even if it was learned the hard way. Anyway.

I feel good. I'm taking a week off for the first time in over a year. I found a boy who may be "the one." We're adventuring-camping-traipsing our way to Utah and back for some camping, hiking, not-being-in-stupid-Iowa time. Ah, it's going to be refreshing. Also, I no longer give a rat's ass about my job (HDC, the original, not job #2, which is tapering). It has made all the difference. I've been fairly uptight and micro-managing everything for the past (almost 3?!!) years. And I realize, no one cares. No one cares, and it's not making a difference. That is extremely freeing.

Things aren't perfect. I'm still over-worked. Mom still has cancer. I still have a hole of a condo that is a money pit. But. Things are getting better. My sister and her crew are moving out. Yes, that means I have more to pay. But...it might just be worth it. There is a lot to be said for peace of mind and sacred personal space. I am also realizing that I don't have to work so hard. It's okay to take time off. There's a lot to be said for peace of mind and sacred personal time. And it's nice to have this guy around. He's not perfect. He does get on my nerves at times. But, there is potential and like-mindedness that makes me actually want to try and work through it, instead of just moving on to the next 2-month-it's-fun-until-I'm-bored 'ship. I'm slightly inspired. And my ankle is healing up slowly. I've placed in the last 2 races I've done, which is highly motivating, even though I hate competitive running. I just need to find the balance with my time. Too much work keeps me busy, and thus, not shuffling around the house all lonely and depressed. However, it also does not allow me to explore my interests, like running, vegan/healthy cooking, reading, educating myself, etc. Baaaaaalance. I've always had a hard time with this word. All or nothing. Anyway, I digress.

I think November 2009 is going to be the end of this horrible past year, and the start of something better. At least, it better be.

On a side note, I want to be Octo-Mom for Halloween, how can I fake those lips, short of botox?!

The low road.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:24:03 GMT

I took it.

Instead of taking the full-time position at my part-time day job (that I love), I decided to fail my soul and stick to the night job, which is not rewarding, not challenging, not anything other than constant paycheck with minimal stress. I'm an asshole, confirmed yet again.

But, this asshole did not smoke, despite the sadness in her soul. Deep, deep sadness. I hate pro-con lists. Maybe sometimes they're just wrong.

Peanut Butter in the psyche

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:35:05 GMT

I wake up 2-3 times a night,

and sleep-consume a ridiculous amount of peanut butter each time.

I want those calories back.

The gods make peace; a gift after a year of B.S.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:55:42 GMT

I graduated from high school with this girl I've always been fun friends with (um, yes, that was like 12 years ago). Apparently, while I was living fun and crazy times in Turkey, she was doing the same in Greece (damn myspace/facebook hadn't networked yet!). But, we managed to get back in touch and I've seen her here and there since. She's trying to get on the Olympic volleyball time so doesn't spend much time in...Iowa. Would you?

I got to know her family a bit when the Greek I was dating came to visit a couple of winter's ago. I probably didn't blog all of that, but should. Totally should have. Ah, where do the stories go... Anyway, her older sister was a ball of energy and we all rang in the New Year flitting around. Great times, great night -- haven't really seen the sister since. We're great friends...on facebook. We're the kind of friends, where there is so much in common, it seems like an ideal friendship. Then, it's just a little awkward in real life. Then again, I'm a little socially awkward. Anyway, anyway. The story.

Yeah, so...er....we're great (facebook) friends. Bantering, commenting, etc. Out of the blue, she asks me to be her Delta buddy, a benefit that just kicked in with her part-time airline job. What, me? Me? I mean, hell yes, but me? Why...why me? I'm so curious as to how I became the choice. Granted, I love the world, I love to travel, I have a job that's fairly flexible...but still...I don't get why I get to be so (yes I'm going to say it:) blessed. I'm just in awe. Confused, glorious awe.

It's been a helluva a year, but if this is the resulting karma, I'll fucking take it. (And maybe not come back with it, neither).

No, fuck me harder please.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:31:37 GMT

Heavy with sleep, drifting in and out, I awoke to the words: "If it weren't such a high-mileage word, I would have said 'love by now.' That fucking whipped me right out of sleep. The usual panic attack...then...a smile. And a warming. I didn't detach, I didn't run, I'm not freaking. I.like.this.boy. I think this guy is the first, since the Turk (...and the Greek...), that has potential. As in, I'm not just entertaining myself or hanging out because I'm bored. I'm stimulated. In an "as iron sharpens iron" type of way (to borrow a biblical reference. I know, I know. But it's perfect).

He's a vegetarian (I just started a vegan phase...I'm calling it Experiment V-D (Vegan Dare). It's a challenge and forcing me to approach what I eat and how I eat it from a new perspective. I'm cooking again and I love it). He does Farmer's Market with me. We bike and run for miles. He's neurotic as hell (whilst in the middle of a conversation on zombies, he sheepishly showed me his rugby bat hidden behind his headboard). He's smart. He's funny. He has his nipples pierced (okay, that one kind of threw me. I mean, what does that say about a man? And it's totally unexpected, given his essence. Unexpected is hot.) And on and on and on. Yes, it's premature, but he gives me hope. Maybe I'm not going to die alone as a crazy cat lady after all. I'll refrain from further gushing.

In other news, in addition to the 60-80 hours I work a week, I gleefully took on a part-time position as a caseworker for World Relief, an organization I've been volunteering with for the last 3 years. It's a group that helps to resettle refugees and I love it. It's stretches me and shocks my world daily, but it's something I'm passionate about, given my past as a foreigner in another country (minus the living-in-a-refugee-camp-being-raped-and-pillaged perspective). Love it. But 90-100 hours a week? Too much. Who knew? I'm not superwoman, a hard thing to admit. The topper?

My mom has cancer. Fairly early, but cancer, nonetheless. Chemo, the whole lot. So, one job will have to go. And World Relief just offered me a full-time position. The logical choice, no? Given my love for the job, and my increasing bitterness in the night job? But, it's about $5000/year less (though only 40 hours a week). Benefits not so good. And those are working day hours, not getting paid to sleep at times. Oh, and the worst part? Ok, ok, I'm a hot mess inside at times. And this job gives me panic attacks...having to be responsible for so much, having to push myself in uncomfortable situations, etc. Panicky panic, at times. And, it's exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I would end up working more than 40 hrs. per week (though not getting paid). Why? Basic human needs. This week a family arrived from Nepal with flip-flops, capris, and tank tops...and it snowed Saturday. I'd never be able to say "Well, sorry, my 40 hours are up," you'll have to freeze til Monday. And, the other 5 people on staff are all approaching burn-out very, very quickly. I'm pretty sure one is on crack too.

Mentally, it disorganizes me beyond repair. In the last month, I've forgotten to show up for jury duty, gotten a speeding ticket, forgotten to pay my credit card bill for the first time in my life, randomly found a jar of cumin in my purse, forgotten to turn in a timecard, etc. etc. etc. -- All very out of character. I feel like I'm over-extended (well, know it), but, in such a way that I'm really not being effective towards anyone.

So, there's that.

Oh, sister got married July 1st. Thanks for the fucking warning, I never would have bought money-pit-condo, had I had any inkling. She, bro-in-law, and nephew are living at the condo. Which is okay, since I'm never there. Then, Noah, my nephew, ran in the other day with a t-shirt that says "I'm the big brother." Oh fuck. I'm ducking, I can already feel the hormones flying. And her husband is leaving for the National Guard in January. Is there anyone in my life who doesn't need to be taken care of? Oh, new boy. Hmmm...I just hope this-new-possible-relationship isn't just a psychological escape. Which I've admittedly done before.

Sigh. I think that's everything. Oh, and the fact my condo has been flooding non-stop since April (home disclosure box that said 'Ever flooded?' ... checked NO. Fucker. The lawyer $1800 then $200/hr..... and he's a dickhead).

Yes, yes. I need a mental break. Like a month off to climb a mountain and go Zen with my Vegan snacks and kitty in a backpack.

I'm done complaining now, I just needed a good vent. Ah. Better already.

What I need.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 05:56:50 GMT

is to blog. A nice long, fat blog.

Because I can't tell anyone else...

Tue, 19 May 2009 01:16:46 GMT

I miss Xanga. I should come back to my roots, if I ever get my damn computer fixed. I just need to vent for now. Maybe vent is the wrong word. So, my sister and 3-year-old nephew live with me, in a condo I bought to help stabilize our modern day nuclear family. I'm Aunt Daddy, I refer to my sister as "my wife" (or "my bitch," depending on the day). We're pretty close - work together, live together, etc. She recently starting seeing an ex (they'd been together about a year, then broke up last summer). You know what? He's perfect for her. It takes someone special to put up with the shit the females in my family can dole out. And I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a guy love someone so unconditionally before. You know what else? She just told me they're secretly getting married in 5 weeks. And he's moving in, due to having to leave for National Guard training or something a few months later (which is apparently why they've upped the marriage). Who knew? Ok ok, I'm genuinely happy for her, my nephew - them, all of them. Forgive me for being slightly jarred. Does this mean I can go back to Europe? Or what exactly...do I do with myself? I've been replaced. It's a little weird. And I'm happy, but sad. It's the end of an era. Oh, plan B fell through the same week -- living the gypsy life with my best Turkish friend in Europe. She found her "soulmate." FML. It's good, it's good. Don't take me for an egocentric bastard. I'm processing this huge change. I'm not sure if it's like a divorce, or a polygamous marriage, or what the hell this is going to look like. Just processing, with no avenue to vent. So there you have it.

Item number 2 on the agenda. I've made life-altering changes of my own. And no one gives a fuck. I'm actually getting way more flack for making changes. I quit smoking (almost 2 months now, it's legit). I started running to replace the anxiety. I've slowly been eating healthier, getting more active, etc. Today I fit into a fucking size 4. As someone who has spent the majority of her life in 14s, forgive me for doing a celebratory dance (ok, ok, so there's a bit of muffin top, but close enough). Mom always said I was "big-boned" and couldn't possibly get smaller than a 10, because it was against my bone structure. Ah, mom, I love you.

Also, I ran a half marathon on Mother's Day. Those are huge things for me. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even recognize myself (as in, it's noon: where's my cigarette, coffee, and donut, yo). There has been blood, sweat, and tears like you would not believe. Okay, well maybe not blood. Unless you count the pinky toenail that fell off after the half-marathon. Or the fact that I now have NO boobs and a slidy-old-lady-ass. And maybe not so many tears...maybe just bitterness. But, sweat, oh hell yes. I've been working at this non-stop since November. And I haven't been crazy or annoying about it. Just quietly adding vitamins, runs, more natural stuff, and trying to stop stuffing my face after 9 pm (it's a battle). So, it's been a lifelong struggle, and I've finally done something about it, now that I'm fucking 30 and stuck with the stretch marks anyway. I digress. Somehow, I'm losing friends (apparently, smoking, alkie, foodie Rachael is much more jolly to be around?) No. I can understand no one giving a shit, because they're personal accomplishments. But it sucks when friends no longer want to be friends. Or insinuate I'm unhealthy or starving myself or something. I've never been healthier in my life, I feel good, and I wish people around me would stop being assholes about it. Because, let's be realistic, it's probably not going to last anyway. Then I'll go back to hating healthy people too. It's much easier.

That's all, back to a happier post later. I really need some peeps I can chat this stuff out with locally. But, hell, it's Iowa. I spent Sat. at a 1-year-old's birthday party, socializing with marrieds-with-kids having to talk about mulching and golden retrievers. It's a lonely road sometimes. And, really, I just want to get the hell out. Oh, and, I'm not really thaaaat healthy. I did spend 95% of the first weekend in May either drunk or hungover, just not give you the wrong idea. I'm still a mental fuck.

Cougar Barbie

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 01:44:07 GMT

So, still hanging out with the boy. Last week we were having a chill night at a pub, and this pretty blonde girl taps me on the shoulder and says "You know what a cougar is, right?"

It took me a second to decide whether to laugh or punch her in the face. I looked at her straight in the face and said "Of course." Then she went into the most sad drunken spiel about Barbie having turned 50 and how Barbie is now 'Cougar Barbie.' So, whew, it didn't have anything to do with me being the cougar. Then the girl just kept repeating. Like, she'd finish the whole Cougar Barbie routine (done in total valley girl voice, of course). Paused 10 seconds. Then rewound and started the exact same conversation. It was unreal. After 3 times (and holding in giggles and smart ass remarks), we finally closed her out. Paused 10 seconds. And started the routine again with the people sitting behind us. It was seriously one of the funniest (yet saddest) displays of dumb drunk superficial girl that I have ever seen. Like, nothing there. It was kind of Stepford Wives-ish, on martinis. Obviously the humor doesn't translate unless you actually witnessed it. But, man, I'm glad I'm not 21 any more.

In further news, still hanging out with the boy. Finding more red flags (very 1 dimensional, if I have to hear more about music, I might take off his head. I mean, great: you have a passion. But what else is there to you? Besides the hotness factor, because I can live with that for awhile longer. Yes, yes, I know. But I've put up with a lot of shitty men, I'm allowed to be shallow briefly.) Also, he has no financial skills. Which is a huge turn-off to me. Not that I need a man with money -- but someone with management and self-control. I strongly dislike the whole 'instant gratification' trait. It goes against my nature to pay full price for anything, and I'm a huge self-denier. It's from growing up in the Depression. Yes, I hoard too. I honestly don't care how little a person makes (I just fucking realized that after 4 years with the company I work for, I might break $10/hour. And I manage to come out ahead. Wants vs. needs people.) I do care whether they are fiscally responsible or not. I don't like waste. I don't like excesses when I know people are starving to death. Yada yada yada. So that might totally be a deal breaker. But, he's young and maybe hasn't had the experience/education I have. So I'll wait and see awhile longer before busting his balls.

Yes, another thrilling blog post. I just needed to vent.

I haven't smoked in 2 weeks and 4 days. I'm a little edgy. And totally bored with my life. And I bought a fucking couch last weekend. That's just not cool. I'm not okay with that. That's not what I'm about. A couch, man. Blaaaah.

Mantra Change

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:56:15 GMT

Oh shit, I've totally got to change my current inner dialogue.
From: he's sexy, he's a damn good bass player, he's funny, he's open, he's got passion, he's real, he's got perspective.
To: Fuck, he's 24, he lives with his parents, he can't spell, he works at the-enemy-of-enemies-Walmart (but in produce, isn't that cute?) And he's 24.

Help.

Updates

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:56:55 GMT

I've really become a slack blogger.

And now, there is just no catching up. In sum:

I took myself off my "happy pills." And am much happier.

I opted to have an IUD put in, due to reoccuring nightmares that I'm pregnant. The mo'fo' hurts.

I'm buying and moving into a condo (no more shit-hole apartment) in a week. I'm incredibly nervous/excited/etc.

I have been mind-fucked over by 2 "nice" guys in the last month. And 2 of my good girl friends (1 married, 1 engaged, are getting it worse). I didn't really have much confidence in mankind to begin with, but I've seen enough drama in the last 30 days to put any nagging doubts to rest. Jesus.

I switched my work site. It's not even like the same job, it's so ridiculously easy. I feel guilty about it, though it took me 2 years of hell and emotional torture to get to this.

I made a list of resolutions right after my inspired-trip to Austin with Fo-dawg.

The four major ones were taken care of within the first week (home, work, etc.)

I'm amazed. And, despite recent bullshit, very happy with the direction of my life.

Because I feel like there is direction.

It's golden, or will be, once I learn to filter the remaining assholes from my life.

I feel like I've reconciled a lot in the past month or two and have done a hell of a lot of growing.

Yay 2009.