Tuesday, 19 May 2009
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Currently
The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World
By A. J. Jacobs
see relatedBecause I can't tell anyone else...
I miss Xanga. I should come back to my roots, if I ever get my damn computer fixed. I just need to vent for now. Maybe vent is the wrong word. So, my sister and 3-year-old nephew live with me, in a condo I bought to help stabilize our modern day nuclear family. I'm Aunt Daddy, I refer to my sister as "my wife" (or "my bitch," depending on the day). We're pretty close - work together, live together, etc. She recently starting seeing an ex (they'd been together about a year, then broke up last summer). You know what? He's perfect for her. It takes someone special to put up with the shit the females in my family can dole out. And I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a guy love someone so unconditionally before. You know what else? She just told me they're secretly getting married in 5 weeks. And he's moving in, due to having to leave for National Guard training or something a few months later (which is apparently why they've upped the marriage). Who knew? Ok ok, I'm genuinely happy for her, my nephew - them, all of them. Forgive me for being slightly jarred. Does this mean I can go back to Europe? Or what exactly...do I do with myself? I've been replaced. It's a little weird. And I'm happy, but sad. It's the end of an era. Oh, plan B fell through the same week -- living the gypsy life with my best Turkish friend in Europe. She found her "soulmate." FML. It's good, it's good. Don't take me for an egocentric bastard. I'm processing this huge change. I'm not sure if it's like a divorce, or a polygamous marriage, or what the hell this is going to look like. Just processing, with no avenue to vent. So there you have it.
Item number 2 on the agenda. I've made life-altering changes of my own. And no one gives a fuck. I'm actually getting way more flack for making changes. I quit smoking (almost 2 months now, it's legit). I started running to replace the anxiety. I've slowly been eating healthier, getting more active, etc. Today I fit into a fucking size 4. As someone who has spent the majority of her life in 14s, forgive me for doing a celebratory dance (ok, ok, so there's a bit of muffin top, but close enough). Mom always said I was "big-boned" and couldn't possibly get smaller than a 10, because it was against my bone structure. Ah, mom, I love you.
Also, I ran a half marathon on Mother's Day. Those are huge things for me. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even recognize myself (as in, it's noon: where's my cigarette, coffee, and donut, yo). There has been blood, sweat, and tears like you would not believe. Okay, well maybe not blood. Unless you count the pinky toenail that fell off after the half-marathon. Or the fact that I now have NO boobs and a slidy-old-lady-ass. And maybe not so many tears...maybe just bitterness. But, sweat, oh hell yes. I've been working at this non-stop since November. And I haven't been crazy or annoying about it. Just quietly adding vitamins, runs, more natural stuff, and trying to stop stuffing my face after 9 pm (it's a battle). So, it's been a lifelong struggle, and I've finally done something about it, now that I'm fucking 30 and stuck with the stretch marks anyway. I digress. Somehow, I'm losing friends (apparently, smoking, alkie, foodie Rachael is much more jolly to be around?) No. I can understand no one giving a shit, because they're personal accomplishments. But it sucks when friends no longer want to be friends. Or insinuate I'm unhealthy or starving myself or something. I've never been healthier in my life, I feel good, and I wish people around me would stop being assholes about it. Because, let's be realistic, it's probably not going to last anyway. Then I'll go back to hating healthy people too. It's much easier.
That's all, back to a happier post later. I really need some peeps I can chat this stuff out with locally. But, hell, it's Iowa. I spent Sat. at a 1-year-old's birthday party, socializing with marrieds-with-kids having to talk about mulching and golden retrievers. It's a lonely road sometimes. And, really, I just want to get the hell out. Oh, and, I'm not really thaaaat healthy. I did spend 95% of the first weekend in May either drunk or hungover, just not give you the wrong idea. I'm still a mental fuck.
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Comments (3)
The upcoming changes sound...difficult, to say the least. But the shit you've changed on your own and for yourself? AMAZING. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or take those accomplishments away from you because I've struggled with many of the same things myself and I know it's hard. So hard that I haven't yet succeeded, ha! But I'm proud of you and you have very reason to be proud of yourself.
As for the first weekend in May..well shit, everyone needs at least one vice...no need to be a martyr ;)
I had intentions of turning my daily 3 mile walks into 3 mile jogs, but has yet to transpire. So good for you on following through with this AND congrats on the half marathon--that's fucking awesome.
Man, I have so much to say about this entry...bare with me. :)
1. I can relate with the whole feeling displaced thing. Friends of mine that were friends in high school have been wanting to hang out and I find myself totally not into talks about mulching, diapers and other such things. It's silly on my end, because I garden, mulch, and have dogs. No diapers though. But even though I'm single and kidless it's not like my life is THAT different than theirs, now. So I feel like a bitch for having such a hard time relating. I think the difference between us (you and I) and them, is that we're not willing to settle on discussions about mulching being our lives. Personally, I just want more interesting topics of conversation and wish they had more to talk about. I try bringing up various things and there's no connection there. Somewhat depressing, but really, that's life. We change eh?
2. With that being said, not surprised your friends seem to be withdrawing. I guess they SEE you change and rather than embracing it are scorning you. But there are few things to keep in mind--some may be jealous. You're terribly pretty and have always looked thin (I won't argue with you on whether or not you were thin)--well at least the last few years I've known you. SO to see you drop that many sizes I can totally understand why some may be concerned about your weight loss. However, good friends would see that you're doing this in a healthy way and it's for inner peace and growth. Plus, you're running all the time, you WOULD loose weight. If you were partying all the time AND loosing weight--that's where people need to be concerned. We're just so funny about weight issues in this nation (people are too fat or too thin and everyone has an eating disorder of some kind). It's stupid.
3. What you did for your sister was awesome (the condo buying, the dad role playing)--but I don't think you should plan on just up and leaving. She'll still need you. Plus if he's joining the national guard--um, he's not going to be around a whole lot, no?
4. Screw your europe friends, you know you can do it on your own if you decide to go back, right? But as for item number 3, I think you're still needed on the home front.
Anyhow, I'm glad you're FEELING good and like the running (you crazy). And that's good news about your sister and I can totally relate to how you're feeling.
But, I also think things will even out here in a little bit.
In other news I'm thinking of visiting Austin in october...Maybe that's where you should move? Make it easy for me--I should try and get all my friends to either live in Seattle or Austin so I can visit them all at once. :)