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I'm setting up a birthday calendar and need your help. Just click (or copy and paste) the link below and enter your birthday details. (It's quick, easy and you can keep your age secret!)
When's your birthday?
Amazon.com Yeah, biggest wish list ever. Tell me if any of these are worth it, or if they are just time wasters (please!)
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| Because I can't tell anyone else... I miss Xanga. I should come back to my roots, if I ever get my damn computer fixed. I just need to vent for now. Maybe vent is the wrong word. So, my sister and 3-year-old nephew live with me, in a condo I bought to help stabilize our modern day nuclear family. I'm Aunt Daddy, I refer to my sister as "my wife" (or "my bitch," depending on the day). We're pretty close - work together, live together, etc. She recently starting seeing an ex (they'd been together about a year, then broke up last summer). You know what? He's perfect for her. It takes someone special to put up with the shit the females in my family can dole out. And I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a guy love someone so unconditionally before. You know what else? She just told me they're secretly getting married in 5 weeks. And he's moving in, due to having to leave for National Guard training or something a few months later (which is apparently why they've upped the marriage). Who knew? Ok ok, I'm genuinely happy for her, my nephew - them, all of them. Forgive me for being slightly jarred. Does this mean I can go back to Europe? Or what exactly...do I do with myself? I've been replaced. It's a little weird. And I'm happy, but sad. It's the end of an era. Oh, plan B fell through the same week -- living the gypsy life with my best Turkish friend in Europe. She found her "soulmate." FML. It's good, it's good. Don't take me for an egocentric bastard. I'm processing this huge change. I'm not sure if it's like a divorce, or a polygamous marriage, or what the hell this is going to look like. Just processing, with no avenue to vent. So there you have it. Item number 2 on the agenda. I've made life-altering changes of my own. And no one gives a fuck. I'm actually getting way more flack for making changes. I quit smoking (almost 2 months now, it's legit). I started running to replace the anxiety. I've slowly been eating healthier, getting more active, etc. Today I fit into a fucking size 4. As someone who has spent the majority of her life in 14s, forgive me for doing a celebratory dance (ok, ok, so there's a bit of muffin top, but close enough). Mom always said I was "big-boned" and couldn't possibly get smaller than a 10, because it was against my bone structure. Ah, mom, I love you. Also, I ran a half marathon on Mother's Day. Those are huge things for me. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even recognize myself (as in, it's noon: where's my cigarette, coffee, and donut, yo). There has been blood, sweat, and tears like you would not believe. Okay, well maybe not blood. Unless you count the pinky toenail that fell off after the half-marathon. Or the fact that I now have NO boobs and a slidy-old-lady-ass. And maybe not so many tears...maybe just bitterness. But, sweat, oh hell yes. I've been working at this non-stop since November. And I haven't been crazy or annoying about it. Just quietly adding vitamins, runs, more natural stuff, and trying to stop stuffing my face after 9 pm (it's a battle). So, it's been a lifelong struggle, and I've finally done something about it, now that I'm fucking 30 and stuck with the stretch marks anyway. I digress. Somehow, I'm losing friends (apparently, smoking, alkie, foodie Rachael is much more jolly to be around?) No. I can understand no one giving a shit, because they're personal accomplishments. But it sucks when friends no longer want to be friends. Or insinuate I'm unhealthy or starving myself or something. I've never been healthier in my life, I feel good, and I wish people around me would stop being assholes about it. Because, let's be realistic, it's probably not going to last anyway. Then I'll go back to hating healthy people too. It's much easier. That's all, back to a happier post later. I really need some peeps I can chat this stuff out with locally. But, hell, it's Iowa. I spent Sat. at a 1-year-old's birthday party, socializing with marrieds-with-kids having to talk about mulching and golden retrievers. It's a lonely road sometimes. And, really, I just want to get the hell out. Oh, and, I'm not really thaaaat healthy. I did spend 95% of the first weekend in May either drunk or hungover, just not give you the wrong idea. I'm still a mental fuck. | | |
| Cougar Barbie So, still hanging out with the boy. Last week we were having a chill night at a pub, and this pretty blonde girl taps me on the shoulder and says "You know what a cougar is, right?"
It took me a second to decide whether to laugh or punch her in the face. I looked at her straight in the face and said "Of course." Then she went into the most sad drunken spiel about Barbie having turned 50 and how Barbie is now 'Cougar Barbie.' So, whew, it didn't have anything to do with me being the cougar. Then the girl just kept repeating. Like, she'd finish the whole Cougar Barbie routine (done in total valley girl voice, of course). Paused 10 seconds. Then rewound and started the exact same conversation. It was unreal. After 3 times (and holding in giggles and smart ass remarks), we finally closed her out. Paused 10 seconds. And started the routine again with the people sitting behind us. It was seriously one of the funniest (yet saddest) displays of dumb drunk superficial girl that I have ever seen. Like, nothing there. It was kind of Stepford Wives-ish, on martinis. Obviously the humor doesn't translate unless you actually witnessed it. But, man, I'm glad I'm not 21 any more.
In further news, still hanging out with the boy. Finding more red flags (very 1 dimensional, if I have to hear more about music, I might take off his head. I mean, great: you have a passion. But what else is there to you? Besides the hotness factor, because I can live with that for awhile longer. Yes, yes, I know. But I've put up with a lot of shitty men, I'm allowed to be shallow briefly.) Also, he has no financial skills. Which is a huge turn-off to me. Not that I need a man with money -- but someone with management and self-control. I strongly dislike the whole 'instant gratification' trait. It goes against my nature to pay full price for anything, and I'm a huge self-denier. It's from growing up in the Depression. Yes, I hoard too. I honestly don't care how little a person makes (I just fucking realized that after 4 years with the company I work for, I might break $10/hour. And I manage to come out ahead. Wants vs. needs people.) I do care whether they are fiscally responsible or not. I don't like waste. I don't like excesses when I know people are starving to death. Yada yada yada. So that might totally be a deal breaker. But, he's young and maybe hasn't had the experience/education I have. So I'll wait and see awhile longer before busting his balls.
Yes, another thrilling blog post. I just needed to vent.
I haven't smoked in 2 weeks and 4 days. I'm a little edgy. And totally bored with my life. And I bought a fucking couch last weekend. That's just not cool. I'm not okay with that. That's not what I'm about. A couch, man. Blaaaah.
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| Mantra ChangeOh shit, I've totally got to change my current inner dialogue.
From: he's sexy, he's a damn good bass player, he's funny, he's open, he's got passion, he's real, he's got perspective.
To: Fuck, he's 24, he lives with his parents, he can't spell, he works at the-enemy-of-enemies-Walmart (but in produce, isn't that cute?) And he's 24.
Help.
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| UpdatesI've really become a slack blogger. And now, there is just no catching up. In sum: I took myself off my "happy pills." And am much happier. I opted to have an IUD put in, due to reoccuring nightmares that I'm pregnant. The mo'fo' hurts. I'm buying and moving into a condo (no more shit-hole apartment) in a week. I'm incredibly nervous/excited/etc. I have been mind-fucked over by 2 "nice" guys in the last month. And 2 of my good girl friends (1 married, 1 engaged, are getting it worse). I didn't really have much confidence in mankind to begin with, but I've seen enough drama in the last 30 days to put any nagging doubts to rest. Jesus. I switched my work site. It's not even like the same job, it's so ridiculously easy. I feel guilty about it, though it took me 2 years of hell and emotional torture to get to this. I made a list of resolutions right after my inspired-trip to Austin with Fo-dawg. The four major ones were taken care of within the first week (home, work, etc.) I'm amazed. And, despite recent bullshit, very happy with the direction of my life. Because I feel like there is direction. It's golden, or will be, once I learn to filter the remaining assholes from my life. I feel like I've reconciled a lot in the past month or two and have done a hell of a lot of growing. Yay 2009. | | |
| Palin OWNED, wahahaha
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